Call a Lawyer, Blame a Twinkie—Why Personal Responsibility Died
Easy Money, Fast Lawsuits, Simple Stupidity: How America Became a Circus of Litigation
Ever wonder why we have 95 percent of the world’s lawyers clogging up courtrooms like cholesterol in an artery?
It’s simple. We made suing people the national sport.
Time was, if you spilled hot coffee on your lap, you called yourself an idiot and moved on. Now? You call a lawyer with a bad comb-over who advertises between Judge Judy reruns.
And it’s not just McDonald’s coffee.
One woman sued a nightclub because she fell off the bar while dancing drunk. Won $1.2 million. Because apparently, gravity is the club’s fault.
Another guy sued himself. Yes, you read that right. He broke into a house, fell through the skylight, and sued the homeowners for damages. He won $200,000. Maybe we should have left him in the skylight for the next homeowner to find.
This is where we are!
Fast money for dumb decisions.
Simple excuses instead of personal responsibility.
And if you think it’s only hot coffee and drunk dancers, let me introduce you to Exhibit A in our cultural decline: the Tesla crash of 2019.
Autopilot engaged. One person dead in the street. Another clinging to life.
And why? Because the driver — a grown man who apparently thought common sense was optional — decided the most urgent mission was retrieving his cell phone from the floor while barreling down the road in a two-ton electric battering ram.
And when he predictably turned his car into a missile, did he step up and admit he was an idiot?
Of course not.
This putz sued Tesla.
Because G-d forbid you take the blame for your own reckless stupidity.
And here’s the truly pathetic part, a large chunk of America nodded along. “Poor guy,” they said. “The car should have stopped him.”
No. The car didn’t bend him over to dig around for his phone. The car didn’t tape his eyes shut. He did that.
Call me old-fashioned, but I still believe you are responsible for what you do behind the wheel. I don’t care if your car has Autopilot, Auto-Coddle, or Auto-Wipe-Your-Tears. You’re driving? You’re in charge.
Back in the day, you’d have been laughed out of town for pulling a stunt like this. You crashed your car because you were too busy scrolling? Congratulations, you’re the village fool. Enjoy your trophy.
But today?
You get a lawyer. You get a press conference. You get a carefully crafted sob story about your “tech addiction.”
I have an idea. Next time you lawyer up because you slipped on your own shoelace or rammed your Tesla into an innocent family while playing Candy Crush, maybe you and your scumbag attorney should be put in the stocks in the town square.
We’ll all get free popcorn to watch you explain how Twinkies, cell phones, and gravity conspired against you.
Don’t laugh. The “Twinkie Defense” was real. A murderer claimed eating too much junk food made him snap. And some jury nodded along like it made sense.
Call me crazy, but when I was growing up, used car salesmen were the bottom feeders. Then politicians elbowed them aside. Now? Lawyers have claimed the crown.
Sure, there are good ones. The folks who help you plan your estate or set up a business. But most? They’re carnival barkers in cheap suits, hawking lawsuits to anyone with a pulse.
Shakespeare said, “First thing we do, let’s kill all the lawyers.”
Ever wonder why we have 95 percent of the world’s lawyers clogging up courtrooms like cholesterol in an artery?
It’s simple. We made suing people the national sport.
Time was, if you spilled hot coffee on your lap, you called yourself an idiot and moved on. Now? You call a lawyer with a bad comb-over who advertises between Judge Judy reruns.
And it’s not just McDonald’s coffee.
One woman sued a nightclub because she fell off the bar while dancing drunk. Won $1.2 million. Because apparently, gravity is the club’s fault.
Another guy sued himself. Yes, you read that right. He broke into a house, fell through the skylight, and sued the homeowners for damages. He won $200,000. Maybe we should have left him in the chimney for the next homeowner to find.
This is where we are.
Fast money for dumb decisions.
Simple excuses instead of personal responsibility.
And if you think it’s only hot coffee and drunk dancers, let me introduce you to Exhibit A in our cultural decline: the Tesla crash of 2019.
Autopilot engaged. One person dead in the street. Another clinging to life.
And why? Because the driver — a grown man who apparently thought common sense was optional — decided the most urgent mission was retrieving his cell phone from the floor while barreling down the road in a two-ton electric battering ram.
And when he predictably turned his car into a missile, did he step up and admit he was an idiot?
Of course not.
This putz sued Tesla.
Because God forbid you take the blame for your own reckless stupidity.
And here’s the truly pathetic part — a large chunk of America nodded along. “Poor guy,” they said. “The car should have stopped him.”
No. The car didn’t bend him over to dig around for his phone. The car didn’t tape his eyes shut. He did that.
Call me old-fashioned, but I still believe you are responsible for what you do behind the wheel. I don’t care if your car has Autopilot, Auto-Coddle, or Auto-Wipe-Your-Tears. You’re driving? You’re in charge.
Back in the day, you’d have been laughed out of town for pulling a stunt like this. You crashed your car because you were too busy scrolling? Congratulations, you’re the village fool. Enjoy your trophy.
But today?
You get a lawyer. You get a press conference. You get a carefully crafted sob story about your “tech addiction.”
I have an idea. Next time you lawyer up because you slipped on your own shoelace or rammed your Tesla into an innocent family while playing Candy Crush, maybe you and your scumbag attorney should be put in the stocks in the town square.
We’ll all get free popcorn to watch you explain how Twinkies, cell phones, and gravity conspired against you.
Don’t laugh. The “Twinkie Defense” was real. A murderer claimed eating too much junk food made him snap. And some jury nodded along like it made sense.
Call me crazy, but when I was growing up, used car salesmen were the bottom feeders. Then politicians elbowed them aside. Now? Lawyers have claimed the crown.