Title: “Gold, Fire, and the Ghost of Amelia Earhart”
Good morning, America. Or what’s left of it.
Let’s take a quick tour of today’s freak show, shall we?
1. The Palisades Fire: Finally, a Suspect
Some genius was arrested for setting the Palisades Fire. Why did he do it? Who knows. Maybe he was bored. Maybe he thought California didn’t have enough smoke already. Just praying his lawyers don’t pull out the “Twinkie Defense” again. Nothing says justice like blaming dessert.
2. Gold Hits $4,100 an Ounce
Gold’s climbing like a caffeinated squirrel. History lesson: the last two big gold surges ended with massive recessions. So sure, buy gold if you want — but don’t come crying when it tanks harder than Kamala’s approval ratings. I’ll stick with canned beans and sarcasm, thanks.
3. The James Comey Perp Walk
Apparently the former FBI chief’s getting fitted for matching bracelets. Even better — the New York Times reportedly helped cover up his mess. Shocking, I know. America’s “paper of record” acting like an accessory instead of a watchdog. Print that on recycled hypocrisy.
4. Chicago’s Latin Kings and the Border Bounty
A gang member allegedly put a murder bounty on a U.S. Border Patrol chief. And we’re still debating whether deportation is “inhumane”? What exactly do you call putting a hit on a federal officer — a cultural misunderstanding?
5. Hamas Celebrates an Anniversary with Rockets
October 7th, two years later, and Hamas marks the occasion the only way they know how — by launching more rockets. Nothing says “peace process” like trying to erase the other side from the map. Diplomatic genius at work.
6. Trump and the Amelia Earhart Files
Trump declassified the FBI’s Amelia Earhart files. You read that right. A mystery from 1937. Why the FBI even had Amelia Earhart files is the real question. Maybe next week we’ll find out what Hoover knew about Bigfoot.
7. Gaza Peace Plan Collapses (Again)
Breaking: the Gaza peace plan is “in jeopardy.” Which is political code for “same disaster, new press release.” And Hamas just made new demands. Color me stunned. I’ll be over here holding my breath for that Nobel Peace Prize ceremony.
8. Wisconsin Judge Orders Voter Verification
A judge told Wisconsin officials to verify the citizenship of all 3.6 million voters. You’d think “make sure voters are citizens” would be non-controversial. But no — Democrats rushed to block it. Can’t imagine why. Do I really have to spell it out?
And that’s your morning roundup, folks. A nation on fire, a gold rush nobody understands, and an FBI with too much time on its hands.
See you tomorrow. Assuming we still have power, sanity, and a functioning border.
